Stop…or go?

“Stop” – How does it hit your ear?

Do you dread hearing “stop” or do you invite hearing “stop?”

COMMAND as negative:

Children often hear “stop” as a command to cease their behavior or attitude. In fact, children (& some adults) hear this command so often that they can become frustrated and feel that only “no” or “stop” is an option. Children come into this world with some innate properties but need training. We know this because cultures illustrate the differences in where “stop” falls within a behavioral pattern. For example, some cultures encouraged loud displays of emotion in children, and some are squelched quickly to avoid excessive expressions that are not appreciated by the culture. Nevertheless, children are taught what is acceptable, often using “stop” when a behavior is unacceptable.

Unfortunately, children are not innately equipped with what is “go” regarding behavior. I have seen in practice that some children are overwhelmed with “stop” phrases and get so few “go” responses that the children get frustrated and have little to no idea what behavior is desired (“go”). In time, the child determines, even if at an unconscious level, that there is no behavior that will be acceptable and opposition/defiance/frustration results, sometimes to the level of diagnosis of as a psychopathology.

What if “stop” was followed by a “go?” What if “go” was offered and “stop” was not needed because stopping a behavior was a natural consequence of the “go” instruction?

PROTECTIVE as negative to listener, but positive to speaker: Often adults, like children, hear “stop” as negative, but the “stop” is given with a positive intention. “Stop” might be yelled with a fearful tone of a care-motivated warning. Some behaviors require immediate &/or strong “stop” responses. A child running toward a street; a teen or adult taking a substance that can harm; a voice of cautionary reason in times of strong emotional response, etc. There are simply times when “stop” is protective, even if it feels like a negative command or it intellectually seems like an unnecessary barrier to a desired outcome.

RELEASE as positive, mixed with emotional tugs:

Think of a time when you were told or invited to stop something that you knew should be stopped but you found it difficult to release. Maybe you were given permission to stop something that had an approach-avoidance type conflict associated with it. This means that there was a reason you wanted to stop that behavior, but there was also a reason you wanted to continue that behavior. The choice-conflict within was causing angst, anxiety, or agitation.

An example might be releasing a volunteer position you have taken on but feeling much concern about the future of that position once you are not leading it. Maybe the entire program will cease. Maybe the program that you carefully designed and implemented will change to something very different from what you envisioned. Those who are helped by your service might find it difficult to adjust to the change or they might feel abandoned when you leave the position. Maybe others will be disappointed or be confused by your resignation. On the other hand, you know or recognize that you want &/or need release from the pressure and responsibility of the service and time commitment, potentially to pursue another purpose/goal.

INVITATION to something new:

When has “stop” been music to your ears, brought you hope, and lifted your spirit? It’s easy to think of “stop” as negative, but it can be profoundly positive and encouraging. Even if we cannot see the positive in the immediate, we can have a sense of peace and hope during “stop.” As humans we can even choose and intentionally seek meaningfulness in “stop.” Many people happily look forward to retirement but find themselves feeling empty and without purpose or value after about a year of retirement. There are simply some things we cannot do unless we stop other things. Working many hours per week does limit one’s ability to serve others, work on hobbies, travel and experience adventure, seek new small business opportunities, visit the sick, make meals or small gifts for others, and serve in various ways.

Of course, this does not apply only in retirement. No matter how much one romantically loves another, the fit of the two may not lead to harmony and happiness in a romantic relationship. I would bet that most adults have had at least one hurtful breakup, only to realize much later that the breakup was in the best interest of both involved. Sometimes the breakup immediately feels like a release or hopeful breath of air even though it may hurt. Another example might be leaving a job you enjoy in order to pursue a better job or to live in a better place for an overall better life experience. Maybe it means leaving a high-wage, high-stress job that impedes health in order to take a lower-pay, lower-stress job that improves health and increases happiness. Walking out of the door on your last day at the job feels like a huge release, even though the preceding days, weeks, or months could truly take you through a “valley of decision.” Not only are you feeling release from the pressure of the job, but also from the need to make the decision just now.

So, how does “stop” hit your ear? Recognize it. Does “stop” in your case feel positive or negative? Reason the outcome and the potential opportunities that “stop” brings. Decide to find the “go” associated with “stop.”