Responsibility: Opportunity for Change

We often conflate self-esteem and self-efficacy. While the two can be related, they are certainly not the same. I propose that self-efficacy should not be the mere vocal indication that one is capable but should include the action/behavior of one’s capability. Self-esteem is our sense of value and worth; self-efficacy is our capability to be effective in their own lives. Self-efficacy can be present when self-esteem is not; self-esteem can (maybe often is) present when self-efficacy is not present. Ideally, one would possess both supported by life decisions that reveal both.

What does it mean to be a victim? One is a victim when a situation is put upon the individual without causal or a contributing factor from the victim. This means that there is nothing the victim could do in the future or could have done leading up to or during the time of victimization to change the reality of that victimization. For example, when a child is molested by a chronological adult, the child has no power to change the situation. The child is overcome by the power of the adult.

It seems that the word victim has been generalized beyond what the term deems appropriate. Victim indicates one has no power. What if we understood and were taught that we could explore the situations of life and find opportunities where we could do something different the next time we found ourselves in a situation that could lead to feeling victimized? That “something different” is what gives up some power: it empowers us to facilitate or possibly avoid the situation of victimization or the feeling of being a victim. This concept is not easily embraced when we are the ones who are the victim or the ones who are feeling victimized. On the other hand, are there not many other times in our lives when we worked beyond negative feelings (lack of motivation, feeling inferior, sadness, etc.) and found ourselves in a place that surprised us. We are more resilient that we think. These types of successes produce emotional self-efficacy. I propose that disallowing one who feels victimized to find anything that he/she could possibly do differently if found in a potentially victimizing situation in the future is to bind the victim further. This leads to a sort of hopelessness by proxy: we might put hopelessness upon the victim.

Let me provide a less emotional example. I grew up in a different religious setting. Although it is a Christian religion, there were dress codes and other requirements that made our religious group very different from mainstream Christianity. There was an intentional “separation from the world” that led to a separation from other Christian church groups as well. We were recognized enough that our public community recognized our differences and often pointed them out.

One of the rules was that women could not wear makeup. In college, a choir teacher made sure to tell the females that ALL must wear bright red lipstick for our concert. I just brushed the information off and assumed it was just a statement that other females would follow but she would certainly not require me to push beyond my religious restrictions. As the teacher continued that day and every class period onward, I started to feel pointed out. In fact, the other students must have recognized it as well since a few turned to me and said, “you don’t have to do that.” I was faced with a decision. I felt like a victim. I felt powerless, that I could do nothing about the rule or the teacher’s forceful approach.  I felt anxious, uncertain, concerned about my grade, worried that the teacher would not allow me to sing in the concert, uncomfortable about attending the practices knowing the red lipstick requirement would be pounded out again, etc. My emotions were a mess.

What was my decision? Even though my emotions were strong and began to control my behavior, I still had the choice which required thought about how I would handle this event. I can handle my emotions, either through compliance with my emotions OR by using my logical mind to make my decision. I used my logical mind and decided that I would show up for the concert without any lipstick and my teacher could handle that however she decided. How could I stand up to a bullying teacher?  I could do that because I had past experiences when I was able to successfully withstand smaller events. I had developed self-efficacy, meaning that I knew I can stand up to religious challenge, maybe even religious persecution. I had faced many tough experiences related to religious issues before that day in my choir class.

My mother and father illustrated how to stand up for myself. They taught me, NOT by rescuing me from all challenges, but by allowing me to experience the challenge and tutoring/walking me through the challenge and advising my response to the challenge. As a side note, imaging how difficult it must have been for my parents to feel the pain of my discomfort, without jumping in and saving me from the challenging situation. Albeit, I learned that I could allow others to disagree, question, or challenge my religion and still offer them a sense of respect, knowing that they did not and could not understand the standards by which I lived. We were different and that was fine!

Life has brought some more significant challenges. There were times I certainly felt like a victim. Some of those life-events were such that I was probably truly a victim in that there was very little, maybe nothing at the time, that I could have done to prevent the events. After a while I realized that if the only thing I could control in the moment was my response then that was power enough to change the situation. The development of self-efficacy throughout my life helped me see that I might be victimized but I will NOT live as a victim. I will not ascribe to myself or wear that label. Ultimately, I do have a choice and I can be effective. No matter how small that effectiveness might seem initially, the power begins to grow and produce more power, like a spark leads to a flame. I esteem myself because I know I can be effective, innovative, adaptable, etc. My parents’ decision to allow me to face small challenges built self-efficacy (self-effectiveness) and in many ways these experiences built a solid foundation for self-esteem.

Find a place within your challenge, no matter how small, where you do have some power and use it to begin building self-efficacy. Allow children you influence to feel challenges of deadlines, failures, third-place, or whatever can lead to strong emotion. No need to talk them out of the emotion because they are human and life is full of emotions. Allow them to learn to walk through the emotional maze of life to return to positive emotions. Facilitate the experience of being fully human, to feel the array of emotions while knowing we are not confined to a life of reflexive, non-logic responses to our emotions.